


Connecting the Dots

by piercethenightvale



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, canon is my bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-22 19:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9621548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piercethenightvale/pseuds/piercethenightvale
Summary: Key points in Cassian and Jyn's relationship after surviving Scarif.





	1. Chapter 1

Jyn was gripping onto him so tight. He was in so much pain from the blaster wound and his fall that her squeezing should have been excruciating, but Cassian held her just as desperately. There was no point holding back now. It’s not like he would leave to be embarrassed by whatever he did.  
What Cassian really wanted was to kiss her, but hugging her was so nice he couldn’t bring himself to pull away the millimeters it would take to reach her lips. Besides, just because he had come to care about her didn’t mean the feeling was mutual. As closed off as Cassian was, he could tell Jyn was worse. Jyn had wriggled through his defenses somehow and lodged herself firmly in his heart. He knew deep down that it wasn’t the same for her. But right now at least she was clinging to him as desperately as he was to her. _Because you’re dying_ , Cassian reminded himself. Still, Cassian greatly accepted the futile attempt at comfort that Jyn’s embrace provided.

He bunched up her shirt in his hands, trying to get closer but there was no closer. As the light that would soon obliterate them got brighter; Cassian was aware of two things. One: it was getting uncomfortably hot. Cassian had been admittedly curious about how the Death Star worked, but he really hadn’t wanted to find out first hand. He assumed (hoped) the heat would make them pass out before every cell in their bodies exploded along with the rest of planet. Not the best way to go, he decided, but there were certainly worse. Two: Jyn Erso was practically pulling his hair. It hand started with her grabbing the collar of his shirt much like he was grabbing hers. Then, her fingers entwined in his hair. She pulled gently at first. Maybe she was trying to distract him from their imminent deaths? If that was her plan, it was working. Jyn roughly playing with his hair was _incredibly_ distracting. He was overcome again with the urge to kiss her; but now she was holding him so tight he could barely move.  
Then he realized that she was shaking. She was in pain. Of course she was; her body was blocking his from the light. What was uncomfortable heat to him must have been agonizing for her. But she didn’t speak, only gripped the ends of his hair and trembled in his arms. Cassian wished he could comfort her somehow, but he would be the same way in mere moments. Instead of words, Cassian pressed a hard, wet kiss to her temple. It was really the only part of her he could reach; but he knew instantly that Jyn understood him. _You’re not alone,_ Cassian was saying, _I’m here_.

“Cassian,” she murmured. It sounded like wanted to say something else, but he felt her flinch in his arms which effectively killed their limited conversation. It was starting to get painful for Cassian too, but he was determined not to let it show. He gritted his teeth and buried his head in her neck and breathed her in until he was dizzy.  
Just as Cassian felt his entire body begin to vibrate, everything stopped. Unbearable heat was replaced by cold metal. The biting comparison made him gasp and pull closer to the heat that was Jyn Erso. He couldn’t process anything except the shock to his body. Had they died? Was this some sort of afterlife? He decided it wasn't that mad if Jyn was still with him.  
“Cassian!” Jyn said, suddenly frantic in his arms.  
Cassian couldn’t make his mouth form words, but Jyn was pulling away from him. He instinctively pulled her tighter, but she somehow wriggled free, “Cassian open your eyes,” she murmured.   
Cassian hadn’t even realized they had been closed. He opened them slowly, blinking the brightness of the beach out of his eyes. Except he wasn’t on the beach anymore. He was on a ship. It wasn’t Rogue One, but it was flying. It was flying _away_ from Scarif. Well, what was left of Scarif. The city Cassian and Jyn had been in a moment before had been completely leveled. He couldn’t even imagine how many people were dead. But he was…  
"Alive,” Jyn nodded, “Cassian, we’re alive.”  
Cassian grabbed her again, but this time there was a grin nearly splitting his face. Cassian swore he heard her laugh as her arms wrapped around him and it was the most beautiful sound in the world. Now that they weren’t dead, Cassian wondered if there was anything he could do to make her laugh again. He selfishly thought that he had all the time in the world to try.  
“We’re alive,” he laughed. He was surprised to find tears welling up in his eyes. Cassian didn’t cry very often; his work didn’t allow him to wallow in emotions for long. But somehow, he and Jyn had succeeded and even lived to tell about it. He was even more surprised to feel Jyn’s tears on his neck.  
Cassian pulled back far enough that he could touch her face. “Jyn…” he murmured. And maybe because he was falling in love, or maybe because this was his first chance to be gentle in a very long time, or maybe just because they had pulled off a miracle Cassian brushed her tears away and pressed their foreheads together, “Jyn.”  
He wished to stay in this moment forever, to stay in this bubble just the two of them. But Cassian was coming back to his senses and he could hear people moving around them. They had left Cassian alone to come back to himself, but that wouldn’t last forever. Cassian’s best estimate was at least 5 people on the floor below them and no more than 3 close enough to see him.  
Cassian opened his eyes to see Jyn staring back at him, “We did it,” she said. Neither of them could keep their smiles under control, which was a first for him at least, “We really did it.”  
And then Cassian was laughing again like he had never laughed before. There was a world of other problems to deal with, but to Cassian there was nothing wrong in the entire galaxy.  
And then Jyn was kissing him. And Cassian was kissing her back. His brain was short circuiting but his body was working on instinct. Her hands were back in his hair so Cassian cupped her cheeks and ran his tongue along her lower lip. She was smiling too hard and he was still laughing making it sloppy even for a first kiss. Their teeth bumped together and Cassian was pretty sure she bit his tongue. It was perfect. And over too soon.  
“Captain…” someone said behind them causing Jyn to practically shove him away. Cassian immediately missed her presence, but he let her go. Cassian took a deep breath and stood up to face Bodhi Rook looking the worse for wear and slightly mortified.  
“Yes?” Cassian asked. He tried not to sound irritated, but Bodhi’s face prove that he definitely had not succeeded.  
“I was, um, instructed to bring you to a medic,” he stammered, “Both of you I guess,” Gesturing to Jyn, who looked like she was trying very hard to sink into the floor. That was something he’d have to deal with later when they could be alone.  
Cassian seemed to be coming down from the high of the kiss and of surviving, because he was starting to feel the day deep in his bones. He was still bleeding (he wondered if anyone would notice his blood on Jyn’s shirt) and he most definitely had some things at least sprained by the fall. He seemed to be mostly unaffected from the heat, but he couldn’t say the same for Jyn.  
Her face and neck was turning a deep crimson and he was pretty sure it wasn’t a blush. Her arms were even badly blistering but she hadn’t seemed to notice yet. It made sense since she had taken the brunt of the Death Star’s effect. Cassian nodded and followed Bodhi with Jyn in tow a few feet behind him.  
The next few hours were a blur of doctors and salves and bacta and pain. All he could gather was that they were on their way back to Yavin IV where Mon Mothma and General Draven were both very happy and _incredibly_ angry. Cassian hadn’t even thought about the consequences to his career, since it had really been a suicide mission. He still wasn’t worried about himself as much as he was about Jyn. Cassian was a well-established pilot. He had a nearly flawless record and he was a trusted agent. The mission had been a success and Cassian was fairly certain that he would get a suspension at worst. Jyn, on the other hand, was wanted on every planet she’d ever been on (or so Jyn had told him, maybe she was just trying to seem impressive). Mothma would see her as a liability, someone who couldn’t follow orders. She might decide Jyn was more trouble than she was worth. Cassian would talk Mothma, he had to. Jyn had practically saved the rebellion. Mothma was strict but she wasn’t unreasonable. Jyn might be given a medal of honor like she deserved but she probably wouldn’t be thrown back in prison. Probably.  
Where was she? He asked about her every so often but he was given noncommittal answers about focusing on his own treatment. Eventually she was all Cassian could focus on to distract from his own pain. He replayed the kiss in his mind several hundred times as his blaster wound was cauterized. Cassian thought he heard a few concerned droids talking about his spiking heart rate that were soon silenced (probably by some smirking private who’d seen them kiss). He couldn’t quite suppress his smile as he thought about what he’d do when they were reunited. Those thoughts eventually turned into dreams as he was quickly sedated for the remainder of their journey.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Jyn was in the middle of an extensive treatment for the burns on her back. She bit back a scream as her blisters were healed and dressed. Even though the first part of her treatment was promised to take hours not to mention the weeks it would take for her to fully convalesce, Jyn didn’t regret blocking Cassian from the blast. She had dragged him into this, after all, so it was only right that she died the more painful death. Except they didn’t die and now it was just annoying she’d been noble for nothing. It scared her how much she had wanted Cassian in her arms. She was dying, for god’s sake, and all she could think about was him. It kind of infuriated her, if she was being honest. Jyn had tried her best for years to not make attachments. Ever since Saw Gerrera left her, Jyn had known that no one would stay in her life for long. Definitely not the assassin sent to kill her father, she thought ruefully. Just when she thought they were getting somewhere, Cassian had blindsided her. And though she pretended otherwise, it only took him saying her believed in her to restore her trust. She’d know him for three days and he already had such power over her. Saw Gerrera would be rolling in his grave at her naivety.  
Then to make matters even worse, she went and kissed him. It really wasn’t her fault, Jyn reasoned. They had been running on adrenaline for hours, and she’d been relieved. It couldn’t have last more than 30 seconds before they were interrupted. That was barely more than a peck. Then why were Jyn’s lips still tingling hours later?  
It didn’t matter, she decided. She was probably going back to prison. There was no way the rebellion would want her after stealing a ship and their best men for a suicide mission. Hopefully she’d never have to see Cassian Andor again and the kiss could become a distant yet fond memory she thought of on cold nights rather than something incredibly distracting.

* * *

 

 Cassian’s wounds were more severe but hers were more complicated to treat. The Bacta that had healed his leg completely (save for a temporary limp) did little for burn victims. That’s what the nurses were calling Jyn now, Cassian noted. Not a hero, or even a rebel, just a burn victim. It wasn’t limited to the medbay either. He’s noticed everyone was so nonspecific when talking about her. They called her the criminal, or Galen Erso’s daughter. In some extreme cases, the traitor. He doesn’t think he’s actually heard her real name once since he’d been out of treatment. It made Cassian angry because he knew it was only because Jyn wasn’t there to defend herself. A darker part of him thought it was because they didn’t think she’d live to repair her reputation. It was becoming harder for Cassian to push those thoughts aside with every passing day of her treatment. It had been two weeks already, not counting the few days Cassian had remained unconscious. The medical droids wouldn’t tell him anything definitive, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out it was bad. Sometimes Cassian would be halted by a crippling feeling of guilt that he was awake and she might never be. But then he remembered the people that had been lost. They were both lucky to have made it off Scarif at all. Maybe Jyn’s luck had simply run out.  
Sometimes Cassian would do this. He would take as many steps back from a situation as he needed to think about it logically. Emotionlessly. But it was getting increasingly difficult to remain emotionless about Jyn Erso, Cassian found. Each passing day left him aching for her. He even found himself praying in the darkness of his quarters in the dead of night. He’d never prayed before in his life. He wasn’t even sure what he was praying to. The Force, he supposed. Chirrut still insisted it was the Force that got them all off Scarif in the first place. Cassian was far from a faithful man, yet he prayed for Jyn to wake up.

     

* * *

 

Opening her eyes was the most difficult thing in the entire world, Jyn decided. She wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep. It could have been years, the way her body felt. Her sense of smell came back before her hearing or her sight. Wherever she was smelled clean and medicinal. Not like the dull metal of her ship or the sharp tingling of Scarif. She had to have been in some sort of medical facility. She heard beeping and the short, mechanical chatter of droids. After whole minutes of listening Jyn still couldn’t open her eyes for the life of her. She hoped that she was in the hands of the rebellion and not the Empire. The Empire would have left her for dead, she thought. Or kept you to interrogate, Jyn thought.  
“Miss Erso…” a voice called to her, “Miss Erso can you hear me?” She felt hands on her cheeks, her head being moved around, her pulse taken, “Jyn!”  
Jyn opened her eyes and was greeted by a medic she didn’t recognize, “Where am I?” she croaked, her voice cracking from disuse. She tried to sit up only to be met with a crippling pain that left her vision blurry.  
“Easy Miss Erso,” the medic warned, “You were severely burned.”  
Jyn could feel the newly healed skin on her back stretch and split painfully. Of course she would get the only injury that bacta couldn’t cure.  
The medic handed her a glass of water and she took greedy gulps until she choked, “Easy, Miss Erso!” the medic snapped again. Jyn could already tell that they were getting sick of her here.  
“Where am I?” she asked again, her voice slightly less shaky this time.  
The medic looked relieved that Jyn wasn’t immediately about to try anything stupid, “A medical vessel en route to Yavin IV,” She explained, “You were transferred here from the ship that rescued you.”  
“And the others?” Jyn asked. And Cassian? Which was left unspoken.  
“I’m sorry to say that most of your team didn’t make if off Scarif,” she said, “You were accompanied by Captain Andor, one Bodhi Rook. The rest I don’t know about definitively.”  
Not knowing didn’t exactly mean dead, but it felt that way to Jyn. She felt guilty relief that her two closest friends had survived while everyone else could have perished. Baze, Chirrut, the dozens of volunteers she didn’t personally know. They had died for her cause while she got to live. She almost would have preferred to have burned with them. Almost.  
“May I leave now?” Jyn asked.  
“No,” the medic said immediately but not unkindly, “You have a long treatment ahead of you, Miss Erso. You have extensive nerve damage that bacta alone just couldn’t fix. You will need to stay here for at least a few weeks. After that, you may go where you please.”  
 _Free to leave the rebellion_ , Jyn thought. The thought made her feel like a traitor but it’s not like she had ever officially joined. Been blackmailed for information was more accurate. Her ties to Saw Gerrera and Galen Erso made her useful, Jyn hadn’t deluded herself with anything else. With the Death Star plans found and her father and Gerrera dead, Jyn had nothing useful to offer the rebellion. They probably wouldn’t even want to keep her around. She had her combat skills and espionage experience, but so far she had gotten more people killed than she saved by a frighteningly large margin. She had proved to be a laughably bad asset thus far. Mon Mothma would probably give her a vessel and rations if it meant Jyn wouldn’t inspire anymore suicide missions.  
Jyn tried to ignore the conflicted tears welling up in her eyes. She wasn’t a part of the rebellion, but she could have been. At first she’d just wanted to be out of prison but after seeing all these people fight for something, she was jealous they had a cause. For years Jyn had just tried to survive out of instinct, not because she truly wanted to. But for a brief, shining moment she tasted what it was like to actually believe in something. Stupidly, she’s had passing thoughts that she could find a home with the rebellion. _Home_ , she thought bitterly. What even was home? Jyn allowed a few hot tears to fall before she fell back on bed and eventually fell back asleep.

* * *

 

 _Jyn Erso is awake_. It was all Cassian had heard for the past few hours. He would have been more excited if he was actually allowed to see her. The first time he’d heard the murmured rumor Cassian had practically ran to the medbay. Well, he went as fast as his recovering leg would let him. He was promptly stopped at the door, “No visitors,” a medical droid told him.  
“But-”  
“No. Visitors.” He repeated.  
Cassian sighed and settled for gazing at her through the window. Awake was a bit of an exaggeration, Cassian decided. Occasionally becoming alert for a few minutes was more accurate. Every time she woke up, she would be flooded with questions and tests from droids before falling back into oblivion for another hour or so. He knew her treatment was complex, but he thought the medical droids should be more concerned that their patient could barely stay awake. Cassian could only watch as she faded in and out of consciousness for the next few days. He tried to grab her attention a few times, but if Jyn had seen him she wasn’t letting on. Eventually the same droid that had denied him access made Cassian leave the corridor entirely.  
“You are recovering too, Captain Andor,” he said. Cassian didn’t see the point of arguing and instead went to the mess hall.  
It was there that Cassian heard the first of the slander. It started mild enough. “The criminal is awake,” some solider he didn’t know said. Cassian tried his best to block it out, but it got more and more violent as the meal wore on.  
“The bitch should have died on Scarif,” the soldier said, “Too many people died for her to live.”   
“Captain Andor lived too,” another said carefully. Cassian didn’t miss the nervous glance in his direction.  
“That’s different,” the first man said, “He’s one of us. She’s just treacherous scum that will join the empire just like her father.”   
That was what sent Cassian’s blood boiling. But before Cassian could stand, there was a hand on his arm, “They’re not worth your time,” Baze said.  
“They can’t talk about her like that,” Cassian replied, but he wasn’t going to move. There was no chance he’d win a fight in this state.  
“She’ll put them in their place herself in no time,” Bodhi said as he sat down beside Cassian. 

“It’s nothing you haven’t heard before,” Baze said. Then, at Cassian’s silence, “Or I guess you haven’t.”  
“This is a normal thing?” Cassian asked incredulously.  
“They must have made sure not to do it around you,” Bodhi said with a wry smile, “Or else you would have broken their jaws.”  
Cassian stewed over his rations. It really didn’t matter, and it wasn’t Cassian’s place to defend her. There were bigger things to worry about than some trash talking. Besides, it was coming from a place of grief. Too many people had died on Scarif, enough that everyone on Yavin IV would know at least one of the victims.  
“Is Chirrut out of medbay yet?” Cassian asked. He felt guilty he hadn’t checked on the monk sooner, but Cassian did have his own problems to worry about.  
“The fool only got halfway through the recommended treatment before he left,” Baze replied, “He’s sure the Force will heal him.”  
“Maybe he’s right,” Bodhi said.   
“Kriff, not you too,” Baze groaned.   
Cassian couldn’t help the small smile playing on his lips. They all had a long way to go until they were alright, but at least they were together. All they needed now were Jyn and Chirrut to be fully healed.

* * *

 

It was a few weeks before Jyn had full mobility again. Well, not full, but enough that she could move around for a substantial period of time without collapsing. Any movement at all was worlds better than where she had been when she first woke up even if she was always sore and tired afterwards. As soon as Jyn was able to stay awake for more than an hour, she was given a different, meaner nurse. This one became her personal nurse and physical therapist during her recovery. She helped Jyn through exercise to try and built her strength back up for an hour or so every day. Sometimes she’d get through them, sometimes she’d collapse and be back on bed rest. Seara, Jyn learned her name was. The best thing about Seara was that she seemed to want Jyn out of here as much as Jyn did. “You’re going to live,” she said one day, “We should be using your bed space for someone who actually needs it.” Jyn would have agreed if she’d been able to keep down any food since her last exercise session. Seara didn’t like Jyn but at least she didn’t hide her disdain behind some snickers and whispered obscenities. She didn’t pretend to want Jyn here, but she also didn’t out rightly hate her. Jyn appreciated the honesty.  
"It’ll only be worse once your sick leave is over,” Seara warned whenever she saw Jyn get bothered by a glare.  
“I’d have to be a part of the Rebel Alliance to get a sick leave,” Jyn would always reply.  
“Then I’ll call Mon Mothma to stop your treatment. We don’t have the resources to waste,” Seara would say. Her treatment was hard and painful and it was nice to have a nurse with the same sense of humor as her. She didn’t have any friends, but at least she could always count on a snappy reply.  
Jyn was cleared from 24/7 medbay observation three weeks after she regained consciousness, two weeks after she able to actually do anything. She was to return for therapy 5 times a week and she’d be readmitted to the medbay if she took any steps backward. It wasn’t the best news, but for now at least Jyn could have her own private quarters (perks of being rebel enemy number one: no one wanted to room with you) and more importantly, her own refresher. It was kept strictly secret around the base. Jyn didn’t know how far the hatred for her spread, but she figured it was far enough if her recovery was kept hush. Jyn never blamed anyone for hating her. She’d hate her too.  
Since she’d first woken up she sometimes saw Cassian or Bodhi outside the medbay, watching and waiting for something. She nearly wept the first time Baze was with them. Every new survivor was one less knife in Jyn’s heart. The second time Baze came, Jyn fully realized that Chirrut wasn’t with him. After the third time her they checked up on her, Jyn decided he must have died. After that, Jyn tried her best to ignore them whenever they visited (visited was a strong worse considering they couldn’t speak to her, but it’s the thought that counts). Aside from the fact that she couldn’t look at Cassian for more than a few seconds without reliving her impulsive kiss, she couldn’t handle the guilt of seeing them. Cassian walked with an obvious limp, Bodhi was sporting a new scar across his neck (deep judging by how it was far from fully healed) and Baze just looked dazed in general. And Chirrut. Jyn couldn’t think about him without crying. She had gotten him killed and the others hurt. How could they still be coming to see her? How could they not despise her?  
Jyn didn’t want to dwell on it. As soon as she got to Yavin IV she would thank the rebels for her life then leave to wherever the Force took her. No amount of friendly visits or embarrassing kisses would change that. And then she was back on the kiss. It had been entirely impulsive but she meant it. Judging by the way Cassian kissed her back, he meant it too. That scared her more than any battle ever would. When confronted with a hard choice, Jyn would always choose to run. Why break that record now? There was no point in falling in love with a handsome, brave pilot when one of them would just go off and die in the near future. Better to make a clean break and get on with her life. That’s the lie Jyn told herself anyways.  
As her release drew nearer Jyn was finding it harder and harder to pretend these people meant nothing to her. Could she really be cold enough to leave without a word like she wanted to?   
The answer was an emphatic no. The moment Jyn stepped out of medbay, Cassian, Bodhi and Baze were waiting for her.  
“Jyn!” Bodhi yelled excitedly before pulling her into a tight hug. Jyn was too stunned to hug him back or feel the pain that his embrace must be causing.   
“Careful,” Cassian warned, but he was smiling. Jyn made the briefest eye contact with him before his grin made her uncomfortable.  
“Hi,” she managed once Bodhi let her go, “I kinda thought you all were dead.”   
 “We were the lucky ones,” Bodhi replied.  
“Chirrut?” Jyn said, carefully judging each man’s face for malice or grief.  
“The idiot has been praying instead of just using bacta,” Baze said.  
Jyn thought she was going to collapse for a moment. She must have looked like it too, because Bodhi grabbed her arm, “Are you alright?”  
“Yeah,” Jyn said trying to regain her balance, “Yeah I just… he never came with you. I just assumed…”  
“He’ll be fine,” Cassian said quickly, “We all will be with time.”  
Jyn still wouldn’t look any of them in the face. She was scared her resolve would break if she did. Just get out of their lives, she told herself, they’ll be better off.  
“Is there some place to eat on this ship?” Jyn asked.  
“Yeah, come on,” Bodhi said as he led her down the hallway, “It’s better than anything they gave me when I was with the Empire.” Bodhi’s sentence trailed off as he realized what he was saying, but Jyn laughed despite herself. The four of them walked with Jyn and Bodhi in front and Cassian and Baze falling a few steps behind them. Jyn couldn’t help but notice that they seemed like body guards. She knew her reputation now, she figured the protection was much needed. Unwanted, but needed. She’d been gone in a week’s time, she might as well enjoy their friendship while she could.

* * *

 

 As relieved as Cassian was that she was free, he was very aware of how she wouldn’t look at him. Sometimes he felt her eyes on him for a few seconds, but by the time he’d look up Jyn had looked away. It was as if she was afraid of letting him see anything, which she probably was. He couldn’t imagine how she’d felt the past weeks thinking Chirrut had been dead. The guilt she must have felt seeing Baze. She had seen them. She had seen them- seen him- every time, but she’d never even looked at them. It seemed her guilt ran deeper than Cassian had anticipated. He couldn’t predict what she’d do when she was fully healed; he’d have to keep an eye on her.  
The closer they got to the main part of the ship the more attention they got. Well, Jyn got the brunt of the negative attention. Cassian was aware of the nasty looks and murmured curses spat in her direction. Was she? Either way, Cassian and Baze communicated with a single look to mostly block her from view. They flanked her like a security team. A clear message to any rebels wanting to take justice into their own hands. _She is protected,_ they said.  
Bodhi chattered at her nonstop. From the looks of it, Jyn found it endearing which made Cassian irrationally jealous. He’d found Bodhi endearing himself, but he didn’t like that Jyn did. Maybe it was simply because she was casually talking and even allowing Bodhi to touch her but she wouldn’t even look at him when he could see. It wasn’t until they were in line for food that Cassian directly spoke to her.  
Bodhi was a few steps ahead and Cassian was directly behind her. He took the opportunity to whisper in her ear, “Jyn,” he said.  
She stiffened and flinched before taking a step away from him, “Captain?”  
“Jyn,” he said with exasperation at her painful formality, “Really?  
“What?” she deflected, “What Cassian?”  
“About the beach-”  
"I’m sorry,” she said before Cassian could complete his thought, “It was inappropriate and I wasn’t thinking. It won’t happen again, Captain.”  
And with that, Jyn turned around and stepped towards Bodhi who was soon telling her which rations were best.  
“Give her some time,” Baze said as he clapped Cassian on the back, “We’ve had more than a month, she’s only just started healing.” Baze didn’t mean physically. Cassian nodded and watched as Jyn sat down next to Bodhi. Waiting. He could do that.


	2. Chapter 2

Considering how small the ship was, Jyn was doing an extraordinary job avoiding Cassian. What Jyn didn’t know was the Cassian’s heart wasn’t fully in chasing her, which did make things easier of course. As much as Cassian didn’t want to admit it, Baze was right. Pushing Jyn wasn’t going to anything but drive her farther away. So Cassian waited. They ate with their friends, they shared casual conversation. Jyn sensed that he was holding back with her, but she didn’t want to be the one to open that can of worms. She was both grateful and confused by this trend. She didn’t exactly want him to confront her, but she also had never known Cassian to give up on anything. Jyn knew deep down this distance could only last for so long, but for now she decided to let herself enjoy the companionship a little. This was what she wanted, Jyn reminded herself. She wanted to forget what happened to them on Scarif. The more she repeated it the more she believed that what had happened between them was a combination of relief and sheer joy of being alive. Emotions were running wild and things were done that Jyn regretted (or at least she thought she did). At least for now, Cassian seemed to be agreeing to remain friends.

Of course, that came with its own set of complications. Friends could abandon you just as easily as romantic partners could, even easier sometimes since friendship didn’t have to come with the courtesy of a formal break up. But Jyn sensed something between the five of them that couldn’t be broken as easily as other relationships could. She’d thought the same thing about Saw Gerrera, but she was a child them. She didn’t commit herself to anything anymore, but she remained certain they were a unit. Come what may, they were a team. They never formally called themselves Rouge One, but it was a label that followed them and would eternally tie them together. They had done something miraculous and Jyn was sure it was a bond that would last until death. Death, of course, could come at any point but Jyn tried not to think about that. They’d defined death before and there was no reason to believe they couldn’t do it again.

It became an unspoken rule between them to never mention Scarif or everything that had been lost. It was a traumatizing experience that no one particularly wanted to relive. Enough people murmured whenever they passed by to ever truly forget, but in the few weeks that it took them to get to Yavin IV, things got a little better.

            It probably helped that they were on a medical vessel, where efforts went towards saving the lives they came across rather than being an active player in the war. No one admitted it, but the break was nice. Cassian was sure he at least would be thrown back into field work as soon as he was cleared to. The others weren’t formally part of the alliance and would probably get either a longer convalescence period or the choice to walk away all together. Cassian, however, had been sworn into duty years ago and wouldn’t be allowed out for something as minor as a little post-traumatic stress. He told Jyn as much the night before they were set to arrive back at the rebel base. It was the first real conversation they’d had in weeks, and Cassian didn’t want to ruin it with talk of war but once he had started talking he couldn’t stop.

            “Cassian,” Jyn interrupted softly, “You never _have_ to go back anywhere. Not if you’re not well enough to.”

            “I’ll be cleared soon enough, Jyn,” he replied trying not to sound irritated. Judging by the way she ever so slightly shifted away from him, he hadn’t succeeded.

            “I don’t mean your body,” Jyn said slowly.

            Cassian wasn’t sure what to say. They had never really talked about the emotional side effects of Scarif, or Scarif at all. The rule, and all.

            “Jyn…” Cassian said carefully. They were going into uncharted territory here and Cassian didn’t want to lose whatever ground they had gained in the past weeks.

            “Cassian,” she replied evenly, “there’s no shame in struggling. God knows we all are.”

            And there it was. The wounds that Scarif left were reopened with just one sentence and now Cassian knew they wouldn’t be easily closed up. There was no bacta for trauma, and Cassian knew it everything would catch up with him eventually, it would catch up to all of them. He hadn’t been sleeping, the nightmares that plagued him were worse than the exhaustion of staying up most of the night. He had been getting away with it since he wasn’t really working but that wouldn’t last when he had a real job again.

            “It doesn’t matter,” he said with a shake of his head, “The rebellion doesn’t allow time for mental recovery.”

            “They should,” Jyn said, “We’re not useful to them traumatized.”

            “We?” Cassian said. He couldn’t help but smile a little.

            Jyn’s ears turned red, “You,” she corrected, “You’re no use traumatized.”

            “That’s not what you said.”

            “That’s what I meant,” she snapped, but Cassian could tell it was good natured.

            “It’s getting late,” Cassian observed.

            “Tired?” Jyn said wryly. She probably slept about as much as he did.

            “Bodhi will be expecting us at dinner,” Cassian explained, “I’d hate for him to think we forgot about him.”

            Jyn snorted, “He’s not our child,” she said, but she got up anyways before offering him a hand. Cassian carefully took it an allowed her to help him up. That was another thing Cassian thought he was hiding well but obviously wasn’t. The fall on Scarif seemed to have permanently altered the mobility of his lower body. It wasn’t enough to prevent most movements, but he sometimes had a hard time getting up from a stationary position. Cassian knew taking her hand was admitting this weakness but for once Cassian didn’t care about showing weakness. Jyn thankfully didn’t mention it. She had her own weaknesses that she tried to hide. The fact that it was hard for her to lift her arms fully, or that she couldn’t sleep on her back just to name a few. Nurses assured her these things would get better with time, which had only proved partially true so far. Jyn was definitely regaining mobility but there wasn’t much improvement surrounding the pain. Just because she was able to move certain ways didn’t mean that it was pleasant. A part of her felt obligated to tell Cassian now that they were apparently sharing, but she bit her tongue. Cassian wasn’t her superior officer, not right now at least. She didn’t owe him a full physical report. Still, she was sure Cassian could tell. He was annoyingly observant most of the time and when they got back to the rebel base, he would once again be in charge of her if she chose (or could) stay.

            That was another thing their weeks of travel hadn’t solved. Jyn wasn’t really a planner but she had started to give her future serious thought. For arguments sake, she assumed Mon Mothma wasn’t going to throw her in jail for disobeying orders and instead welcomed her fully into the rebel alliance (which probably wasn’t going to end up being an accurate prediction, but that was a problem for another day). The pros and cons list Jyn had been creating in her mind was a long one. No matter how many reasons she thought of to leave, one reason to stay kept creeping into her mind. Jyn had never had friends before, and she somehow had found some. It was self-indulgent, but Jyn thought they would be hurt if she left. Jyn wasn’t a planner by nature. She had never been known to weight pros and cons, she just made the choice that seemed to have the highest chance of keeping her alive. Sometimes that choice was wrong, but she always relief almost entirely on instinct. Jyn’s first concern was always her own survival. She didn’t bother by sentimentality, not since Saw Gerrera. Jyn never thought to long about what exactly she wanted to survive _for,_ and she definitely never entertained the thought that she didn’t want to be alone.

Correction. She didn’t think about being alone until right this moment. She had obviously never really wanted to be alone in the first place, but the galaxy ( _and the Force_ , she thought begrudgingly) had other plans. All the philosophical thinking was giving her a headache. She was going around in circles. She cared about Rouge One, but she had endangered them. She didn’t want to be alone, but she seemed incapable of letting anyone in. No, her own emotions couldn’t play a part in this, she decided. Saw Gerrera had taught her something long ago before he abandoned her, and she decided as a teenager that they were the words she should live by. _If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose._ The sentimental part of Jyn thought that was why Saw left her. He cared about her, so he was in danger of betraying his own code. The rational part of Jyn knew it was because traveling with Galen Erso’s daughter was a liability. Either way, Jyn had her own moral code she tried to keep her heart out of her decisions. No matter how Jyn thought about it, even without Rogue One if made the most sense for Jyn to stay with the rebel alliance.

            They would provide her with food and shelter in exchange for things Jyn had already been doing. Her life had always been at risk, now it would just be for something other than her bloodline (which she always thought was sort of unfair considering she didn’t even really know her father). As long as she remained useful to the rebel alliance, it was a safe place for her.

            And as much as Jyn told herself it was objectively the right choice, her heart soared at the thought of remaining with her friends.

 

 

* * *

 

            “This isn’t Yavin IV,” Cassian said as the medical droid began its decent. After weeks away, Cassian wanted to see the base for himself before he was officially a part of the alliance again. It was stupid and irrational, but Cassian wanted to make sure things were more or less the same as he left it. He supposed it was yet another way for him to pretend like nothing had changed even though everything had. Obviously that strategy wasn’t working because all he could see at the moment was ice and Yavin IV was highly industrialized.

            “Correct, Captain Andor,” a low ranking ensign replied nervously, obviously trying not to provoke him. Cassian thought in passing that by now he must have a reputation of being easily irritated. Not the best trait to have, Cassian decided, as the soldier continued trying to tip toe around the issue.

            “Then where the hell are we?” Jyn asked, not even trying to hide her frustration.

            “Hoth,” he said finally, “Our base is now on Hoth.”

            “Of course it is,” Cassian muttered, “Why were we not told?”

            “Where the Kriff is Hoth?” Jyn asked

            “It’s an outer rim planet in the Hoth syte-”

            “Why were we not told, ensign?” Cassian interrupted.

            “Well the thing is…” he began, “Orders came through to keep our destination on a need to know basis… in case we were captured.”

            Cassian had no words. Somehow he had gone from a respected captain to someone not on the “need to know” list. It was a blow to his ego, he admitted. Another thing his ego didn’t need was Jyn and the others looking at him like he was a bomb about to go off. Instead, he raised his Jyn and practically marched back to his quarters.

            “What?” Cassian snapped when he heard a knock on his door a half an hour later.

            “Can I come in?” came Jyn’s voice.

            “Fine,” he sighed. A moment later she came through the door carrying a coat that appeared to be heavier than she was. Because they were indefinitely stuck on fucking Hoth.

            “So I heard Hoth is an ice planet,” she said as she laid the coat down on his dresser, “which means our uniform now includes down coats. So here… since you stormed out earlier.”

            “I didn’t storm out,” he argued weakly, but she could tell his mind was elsewhere, “I had to come back and finish packing.”

            “You came here to stew,” Jyn said matter-of-factly as she leaned against his now closed door. Cassian noted that this was the second time they had been alone together today.

            “It was both,” Cassian replied.

            “Fine. Both,” Jyn conceded, “So… why did you storm out? I’m pretty sure it isn’t just because you hate Hoth.”

            “I do hate Hoth,” he said.

            “From what it sounds like, everyone hates Hoth,” Jyn said, a small smile playing on her lips. Today, though, Cassian was not in the mood.

            “Hoth is a hell planet fit only for monsters. It is one of the coldest places in the galaxy,” Cassian said, “You’ll hate it too.”

            “I’m sure,” Jyn agreed, “But I know that’s not all.”

            “Leave it alone, Jyn,” he warned. Cassian was not in the same mood he was earlier that day. His temper had been soured for the day, Cassian feared. Jyn should know better than to poke at him at a time like this. But then again, when did Jyn ever do what Cassian wanted.

            “Tell me what’s going on,” Jyn urged, “Did our conversation earlier mean nothing to you?”

            “Why don’t you go first,” he said, “Trust goes both ways?”

            “Fine, I’m scared Mon Mothma will throw me back in prison. Your turn.”

            “Wait what. Jyn-”

            “Your turn,” she repeated.

            “Fine,” he said, recognizing her resolve would not crumble right now, “I don’t like that I wasn’t told our base changed.”

            “Why?”

            “Because I am a captain and that should be considered.”

            “Okay,” Jyn said carefully, “But right now none of us have a rank. We are patients.”

            “Jyn,” Cassian said as he rubbed his temples. He didn’t want to admit she was right about this. He didn’t want to admit anything that would justify information being kept from him.

            “I’m not saying it was right,” Jyn continued, “But I’ve learned that some things should be need to know, rank or no rank”

            “Like what?” Cassian asked incredulously. He was being unfair. He was part of an intelligence agency, of course there were things he shouldn’t know. But not this. Cassian used to learn news like this over caf. This was not sensitive information under normal circumstances and there’d been no indication there vessel would be compromised in the weeks they’d been traveling.

No matter how Cassian tried to spin it, he was kept in the dark because the rebellion no longer trusted him. But he couldn’t tell Jyn that. Despite how much he wanted her to let him in, Cassian seemed unable to do the same. He was a hypocrite, he knew, but opening up was far easier said than done.

            “Like keeping an assassination plot from the target’s daughter, for one thing,” she said it lightly, but her eyes betrayed her.

            “That’s different,” Cassian said. He had stupidly thought they were past this. So much had happened since Galen Erso died, he assumed Jyn had forgiven him. He’d obviously assumed wrong.

            “No, it was keeping a secret from someone who had a right to know even if it compromised the mission. But you didn’t tell me because it was need to know,” Jyn replied evenly. “Just like none of us were told about Hoth.”

            “It’s different,” he insisted. _Stop fanning the fire,_ the rational part of Cassian said. But when Jyn asked why, the irrational part of his said, “It’s different because you had no right to know!”

Jyn took a step back like he had struck her, her face turning to stone before Cassian’s eyes, “Because I’m not really a part of the rebellion?” she asked. Cassian did nothing to comfirm it, but Jyn knew she was right. Cassian took in the distance between them that now felt like miles. He could feel three weeks of progress come crumbling. Walls he’d only just begun to chip away at being rebuild ten times as strong.

            “How long has that been waiting to come out?” Jyn asked.

            “I didn’t mean it like that,” Cassian replied. Oh, but he did. Cassian knew there was something other about them. No one said it, but the judgmental whispers didn’t follow Cassian Andor like they did the rest of Rogue One. Just because Cassian ignored it didn’t mean it wasn’t true.

            “You meant it alright,” Jyn said, “I guess our talk earlier meant nothing to you.”

            “Jyn-”

            “Well, _Captain,”_ Jyn said coldly. The formality hit him like a splash of cold water. A few weeks and she had already figured out the most efficient way to hurt him, “I’ll leave you to finish packing.”

            She was gone before Cassian could even choke out an apology.

           

 

* * *

 

            “What did you do?” Bodhi asked as Jyn passed them without a word for the thousandth time that day. This time it was as she passed him as they unpacked the medical vessel.

            “Something stupid,” Cassian whispered, not wanting to add any fuel to fire.

            “Obviously,” Bodhi replied, “But what did you do _this time._ ”

            Cassian pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. Normally talking things over with Bodhi would be a welcome way to find a solution. But he didn’t really want any other member of Rogue One to know what he’d said about Jyn. Because well… if she didn’t belong here there wasn’t much of a case for the rest of them. He didn’t want to hurt them, Cassian realized with a start. When was the last time he had the luxury of caring about other’s feelings? This wasn’t a war time problem, this was just stupid.

            “Ask Jyn,” was all Cassian said.

            “I did,” Bodhi said, “She wouldn’t tell me either.”

            _Good_ , Cassian thought. He had only been on Hoth for a matter of hours and he was already sick of it. Hoth wasn’t meant for humans and Cassian thought it should stay that way. The objective part of Cassian could see the benefit of using an almost uninhabitable planter as a base, but he mostly just felt spiteful. Last time Cassian had been on Hoth he had nearly frozen to death. He was young and unprepared and he very nearly died of hypothermia. Cassian hoped he’d never have to set foot in the Hoth system again. Yet here he was, stuck for an indefinite amount of time.

            “I wouldn’t mention how much you hate this decision to Mon Mothma or Princess Organa,” Chirrut warned, sneaking up on Cassian as usual. The monk’s visits had been infrequent in the past weeks since he’d opted out of real medical treatment. He spent most of the time in his quarters praying for recovery. Cassian was nearly as skeptical as Baze, but he kept his opinions to himself. Considering Chirrut was alive, it couldn’t have been completely useless.

            “I wasn’t planning on it,” Cassian replied.

            “Oh, and I’d apologize to Jyn,” he said knowingly.

            “Did she tell you?”

            “She didn’t need to,” Chirrut replied, “the walls are thin.”

            “Then you know why she won’t talk to me.”

            “I do,” Chirrut replied, “But you don’t.”

            Cassian groaned. Sometimes he could do with a straight answer, not cryptic _the force works in mysterious ways_ riddles, “And I don’t suppose you could tell me?”

            “You’ll figure it out,” Chirrut said with a cruel laugh.

            “He enjoys this way too much,” Cassian muttered as he staggered away.

            “Well, you normally figure out why Jyn’s mad at you,” Bodhi said as he clapped Cassian’s back.

            “That’s a little hard when she won’t talk to me,” Cassian deadpanned as Bodhi walked away.

 

 

* * *

 

            _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ Jyn thought as she found her new quarters. The medical vessel had been a bubble, one where the realities of war seemed to not exist. One where they seemed to forget about rank and belonging. But now the high of surviving had worn off and Jyn was again all too aware of how unwanted she was here. To be fair, it wasn’t just her. The others seemed to be receiving the same treatment. Everyone was unneeded except for Captain Cassian fucking Andor. The whispers that followed Jyn on the medical vessel increased tenfold on Hoth. And they were meaner. Jyn wasn’t one to let spiteful gossip get to her, but a larger base made anonymity easier, and therefore malice was easier to get away with. Jyn chose not to react. Responding would only make it worse, she was sure. But she could only hear _Imperial Bitch_ so many times before wanting to break a jaw. Imperial Bitch was most popular right now. Traitor and criminal had become overdone in a matter of days. But two weeks later and Imperial Bitch was still going strong.

 Also going strong was her aversion to Captain Andor. The best thing about the Hoth base was that it was easier to hide. This new base was filled with corridors and closets she could hide in. Unlike the rest of them, Cassian was welcomed back to the rebellion with open arms. Here his title apparently came with all the perks Cassian wanted on the medical vessel. He had gotten a slap on the wrist, a brief suspension. He hadn’t been cleared for missions yet, but Jyn was sure that would be rectified soon.

            Mon Mothma had said as much during the debriefing. It had taken hours to get their story straight. Strictly speaking, not all of it was entirely true. But Mothma had seemed determined to paint this incident in the best light. “Rogue One is the reason we are all still alive,” she’d said off the record, “We owe you at least this much.”

            But the damage was already done. Jyn was imperial enemy number one, Bodhi coming in at close second. The jury was still out on Baze and Chirrut. Jyn thought maybe it was because they were scared of the blind man who could apparently read minds, but she couldn’t be sure.

            The bottom line was that Jyn and Bodhi at least were more likely to be murdered than actually trusted. She still felt too stupid to think that she really had a place here. That she would have friends. It turned out that five friends in a rebellion of thousands was not enough to make this a satisfying place to be. Not to mention that her five friends was actually four now.

            Jyn knew Cassian was looking for her. She knew that he regretted his words the moment they’d left his mouth. But she also knew they were true, the past two weeks had proven it.

They got to Hoth and the Death Star was gone, her usefulness had been spent. Her supposed heroics had been forgotten and all the rebels saw now was her father’s legacy. The highest ranking officials knew Galen Erso had been their savior, but it was a fanciful tale. If Jyn hadn’t lived it, she was sure she wouldn’t believe it. As far as the public was concerned, Galen Erso was still a traitor and her daughter was surely no better. Hence, Imperial Bitch.

            At least she had Bodhi, Jyn often thought. Their quarters were adjacent and she spend as much time in his room as she did in hers. There was a special bond that formed when it seemed like everyone in the galaxy was suspicious of you. Besides that, they shared the same fears of going back to prison, of being lapdogs of the Empire.

            Jyn knew rumors flew about their relationship, but she was too far removed from her emotions to care. The only thing Bodhi did that irritated her was talk about Cassian far too often. Unlike her, he didn’t seem to harbor any resentment towards him for being accepted.

            “You should talk to him, Jyn,” he often said in the dead of night. Jyn would pretend to be asleep, but he would continue, “You don’t know how sorry he is, how much he’s hurting.”

            _He can’t be sorry if he doesn’t really know what he did,_ the problem ran deeper than words spat out when tensions were high. The problem was that he meant it. She truly didn’t belong here as far as Cassian was concerned. His opinion was the only one that Jyn truly cared about, and it was a blow she was still recovering from. Jyn wasn’t sure she’d ever really recover from it.

            She never told Bodhi why she was mad. How could she? Cassian was Bodhi’s best friend (after her of course). How could she ever burst that bubble of idolization? It seemed that hurting the unexpectedly innocent heart of Bodhi Rook was the one line she just couldn’t cross. She’d accept being unreasonable in his eyes if it meant his spirit stayed intact.

 

            “Jyn still won’t tell me,” Bodhi said again a few days later while he, Cassian, and Baze at lukewarm rations. Not even the food could stay hot for more than a few minutes on this planet. It made for annoying unsatisfying meals, “Why don’t you just apologize?”

            “It’s not something an apology can fix.”

            “Cassian…”

            “Bodhi, it’s between the two of them,” Baze said gruffly. Not for the first time, Cassian thought that Chirrut had told him. It seemed like the two of them shared everything except for their connection to the Force.

            “Sorry,” Bodhi sulked, “I just thought with Jyn going on a mission and all…”

            “What?” Cassian ask.

            “You didn’t know?” Baze said, “Jyn’s been assigned a reconnaissance mission on the planets and moons surrounding Alderaan.”

            “What use is the Alderaan system when Alderaan is gone?”

            “Mothma wants to check if there were any survivors,” Baze said, “General Organa says she thought there were some officials off planet when it was destroyed.”

            “It’s a straight forward mission,” Bodhi said, “They’re supposed to search every planet in the system then head back.” 

            “The Alderaan system isn’t exactly small,” Cassian said.

            “It’s a large mission,” Bodhi shrugged, “20 ships with a full crew.”

            “How do you know so much about this?” Cassian asked suspiciously, “Bodhi,” he repeated when he remained silent.

            “Because I’m sort of going too.”

            “You’re still technically on medical leave,” Baze said in lieu of an actual explanation.

            “We all are,” Cassian replied.

            “You don’t get leave when you don’t really have a job,” he retorted. There it was again, their otherness. Cassian didn’t reply, but he couldn’t deny it, “It’s probably just a trial run. A way to test our abilities.”

            “She led a successful ambush that saved the rebellion,” Cassian replied, “What do you me _our_?”

            “Looks like you’re the only one left out, Andor,” Baze said not without amusement.

            “You have got to be kidding me,” Cassian groaned, “You’re all going on this stupid reconnaissance mission and no one thought to tell me?”

            “I just did,” Bodhi replied, “Jyn only told us a few hours ago.”

            “Jyn knew?”

            “Mon Mothma had a meeting with her a few days ago,”

            “Jyn knew,” _and she didn’t tell me_ Cassian thought

“Can’t you just admit that you miss her?” Bodhi snapped. Cassian was a bit taken aback at the strength of his words. This sort of outburst was rare for the mild mannered pilot. Cassian tried to speak, but Bodhi wasn’t done, “I don’t know exactly what you did, but it’s obviously bad enough she’d go off world without telling you. We’re in a war, for god’s sake. You fucked up enough that she could never see you again but she didn’t want to say goodbye!”

            “Kriff, Rook,” Baze said with admiration while Cassian hung his head.

            “So whatever the hell you did, go find her before she leaves and make it right, because I’m done trying to talk you both through this.” He said before leaving.

            “He’s right, you know,” Baze said.

            “I know,” Cassian groaned, “So where can I find Jyn?”

 

* * *

 

            If Jyn was being honest, she had no idea why she had been summoned by Mon Mothma. She had so far done everything in her power to keep out of trouble. She ignored the rumors swirling around her, she didn’t add any fuel to that fire. She went to physical therapy as scheduled and she didn’t push for any field work but didn’t avoid work when the opportunity presented itself. As she waited for Mothma to usher Jyn to her office, she wracked her brain for any little thing she’d done in the past two weeks to require disciplinary action.

            “Miss Erso, come in,” Mon Mothma said after a few more minutes of agonizing waiting.

            Jyn nervously entered the small office and waited for Mothma to speak, “You’re not in trouble, Jyn,” she said with amusement in her eyes, “Please sit down.”

            “Oh, okay” Jyn said as she sat, “Sorry, I just always expect to be in trouble.”

            Mothma didn’t laugh, but Jyn saw the smallest smile on her lips, “I’m sure.”

            “So if I’m not in trouble, what is this?”

            “Cutting right to the chase, I like it,” Mothma said with an admiring nod, “I’m planning on sending a few vessels to the Alderaan system to check for survivors. Would you be interested in leading a squadron?”

            “Oh,” Jyn said.

            “That isn’t an answer, Miss Erso,” Mothma replied.

            “May I speak frankly?”

            “Please,” Mothma allowed.

            “Well…” Jyn began, “I don’t think I should really be in a position of authority here.”

            “I think you forfeited that opinion when you led a rogue battalion to certain death,” Mothma replied, “Miss Erso, why do you think I asked you of all people? You aren’t a technical member of the rebellion and you’re far from being fully healed from Scarif. Why you?”

            “A test?” Jyn suggested, “You want to test my loyalties?”

            “Partly,” she admitted, “That’s not the only thing.”

            “I don’t like riddles, Senator,” Jyn replied, irritation creeping into her voice, “If you have something to say, please just say it.”

            “I can’t change public sentiment, Miss Erso,” Mon Mothma said, “I kept you out of prison when many wanted you off this base, but I can’t make anyone here treat you with respect… no matter how much I personally believe you deserve it.”

            “You’re trying to help me?” Jyn asked

            “Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t really care if people like you. But disunity will hurt us as a whole, and I don’t need my leadership coming into question at a time like this. And people calling you a- what are they calling you now?”

            “Imperial Bitch seems to be sticking,” Jyn said with a wry smile.

            “It does have a nice ring to it,” Mothma said, returning Jyn’s sarcastic tone. In that moment, Jyn realized that the Senator was probably her only real ally on the council, “People calling you the Imperial Bitch doesn’t really validate our decision.”

            “So you want me to prove my loyalties to them?”

            “This is a legitimate mission, Miss Erso. You will have to actually work.”

            “I understand,” Jyn replied, “Thank you for the opportunity, Senator.”

            “There will be a briefing before you leave in three days,” she replied. Jyn nodded as she stood, “And Miss Erso, extend this invitation to Mr. Rook and Mr. Malbus, Mr. Imwe too if he’s feeling up to it.”

            Jyn was tempted to ask about Cassian, but she bit her tongue. Of course there was no reason for him to half to prove his loyalties. As she left Mothma’s office, a new wave of resentment washed over her. It was resentment directed at him exactly, more like at the rebellion as a whole. She was treated her basically the same as she was when she was with Saw Gerrera. She was getting tired of being distrusted whatever she went. Jyn thought being a former imperial prisoner would earn her some points here, but apparently her lineage was too great a fault to overlook. Mothma was giving her a good opportunity, but Jyn knew deep down it wouldn’t chance the root of the problem. That was something that couldn’t be changed about her.

            Not for the first time in her life, Jyn realized she could never truly have a home.

 

* * *

 

            Cassian suspected she would be in her quarters, but that didn’t stop him from searching everywhere else on the base just to buy himself some time. How could he ever apologize for saying something they knew deep down was true?

            Baze had been right when he said that no one dared speak against Rogue One when Cassian was there, but that didn’t mean he was unaware of it. Cassian wasn’t stupid and he could tell most of the rebellion would prefer the others far away from them. The worst part was that Cassian couldn’t truly blame them. Suspicion was a staple during a war and being overly trusting would only get them killed.

            Still, Rogue One had saved them and the lack of respect was getting old. It also annoyed him that he couldn’t even be frustrated on his own behalf. _Don’t fight my battles for me,_ he could almost hear Jyn say. _Well someone has to,_ he would think. He would never complain about peace being kept, but Jyn didn’t even seem to be defending herself. She also wasn’t one to be affected by something as inconsequential are people’s opinions of her, but it didn’t stop anger from bubbling deep inside Cassian at every snide comment.

            Eventually he found himself at her door. It wouldn’t be locked, he knew that. Jyn wouldn’t think about wasting precious seconds on locking and unlocking doors on a supposedly secure base. He knocked anyways.

            She opened the door a moment later, “Oh,” she said when she saw him, unable to fully hide her surprise, “What brings you here, Captain?”

            “Please stop calling me that,” he groaned.

            “Cassian,” she corrected, but her voice and face were still stiff. There was no winning with her.

            “Why didn’t you tell me?” he didn’t explain further.

            “I figured you knew,” she replied, her voice still betraying nothing. He wanted to ask to come in but he held it back. Just as he’d held back all his urges around her for months now.

            “How would I possibly know?” Cassian replied.

            “Well you clearly found out,” Jyn replied, “I have to finish packing.”

            “You’re stewing,” he said. He tried to make it sound like a joke, a friendly reference to their past conversations.

            “I am not,” she said, “Don’t throw my words back at me.”

            “How could you not tell me, Jyn?” he asked suddenly. They didn’t have time for skirting around the real issue. For once, Cassian let his emotions fully show despite his instincts telling him to hide, “After everything, how could you not tell me.”

            “We aren’t really a team,” she said coldly, “As much as you want to pretend Rogue One is a legitimate squadron we’re not. We’re lucky to still be free people. We don’t owe each other anything anymore.”

            “Liar,” he said under his breath.

            “What?”

            Cassian fully entered her room now and shut the door behind him, for once not caring who else saw, “You are a liar, Jyn Erso. We owe each other everything and you know that.”

            “Then why didn’t you act like it!” she snapped. They shared a brief moment of eye contact before she looked away, and it that moment Cassian saw everything. Every little thing she’d kept hidden from him since they met. This wasn’t about him hurting her once. This was about Jyn being hurt over and over again and she thought Cassian was different. He betrayed her, and Cassian felt more shame in that moment than he had ever felt before. As quickly as she let him in, Jyn’s face closed off again. How could she do it? How could she feel so deeply and hide it all so effectively.

            “Jyn…” he said slowly, almost like he was concerned she would break, “I thought you wanted space.”

            “I did. Or I thought I did.” She stammered, “I don’t know. You make things complicated.”

            “Complicated how?” he took a step towards her. Jyn looked startled but she didn’t step away. For a moment Cassian just enjoyed the closeness he had been missing in the past weeks.

            “I’m not used to people sticking around,” she said. Honestly. Complete vulnerability for maybe the first time since he’d known her. No, Cassian had seen it once before. This was how she looked when Galen Erso died, when she realized Cassian was sent to kill him. Had he ever done anything other than betray her?

“Cassian-”

            “Would you believe me if I said I wasn’t going to leave you?” Cassian interrupted. Jyn thought she sensed a hint of sarcasm, but when she looked in his eyes all she saw was sincerity. His eyes were dangerous, she thought. Deep brown pools the reflected any and all light. She wondered how he had ever been an intelligence officer when he had such honest looking eyes. The truth was always in his eyes, Jyn had seen it herself.

            “I’d believe you really think that,’ Jyn said, “People rarely plan to leave.”

            “But this is war.”

            “This is war,” she agreed. Cassian took a step back and considered her answer. Jyn resisted the urge to step back into him. She already missed the warmth his proximity provided. Dangerous.

            “Then can I say that I won’t leave you without saying goodbye?” he asked. Then when Jyn nodded he said, “And can I ask you to promise the same?”

            Jyn nodded again, sure her voice would fail her if she tried to speak, “Jyn, I’m sorry,” he said. Jyn didn’t need to ask for what. She could hear in voice that he knew. He knew _everything_ and Jyn didn’t care.

            Jyn only nodded, unsure if she could trust her voice in this moment. It felt like the beach. Unbelievably close and intimate with a practical stranger who she knew too well. But it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was familiar, like resignation that this was her life and this was how it was supposed to be.

            When she looked back up Cassian was still looking at her with the same intensity she was seeing in his eyes often these days, “I still have to go,’ Jyn said.

            “I know,” Cassian replied, his voice strangely quiet considering they were alone, “Be careful, Jyn.”

            “Yes, Captain Andor,” she said, but this time with a smile pulling at her lips. And this time, Cassian left her quarters smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's another chapter way longer than it was supposed to be. There's still no solid plan for this series, so please give me your thoughts if there's anything glaringly bad about it and I'll do my best to fix it.

**Author's Note:**

> So this started off as just a fluff piece about their first few kisses and turned into... 5k words for a first chapter. I honestly have no idea where this came from or where iis going but I appreciate anyone joining me for the ride. Comments and requests are always welcome since this is almost entirely non canon


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